The Unwritten Rules: How Heteronormativity Silences and Shapes Our Love

When we speak of lesbian, bisexual, and queer (LBQ) relationships, the conversation often revolves around the struggle for legal acceptance a battle against outdated laws and overt prejudice. Yet, there is a more insidious, pervasive force at play, one that subtly erodes the very foundations of our relationships: heteronormativity.

At its simplest, heteronormativity is the assumption, deeply embedded in society, culture, and law, that heterosexuality is the default, the natural, and the only permissible form of intimacy. It is a quiet, powerful current that attempts not merely to exclude us, but to compel our love stories to adhere to its alien structure. For the resilient LBQ community in Kenya, understanding this mechanism is crucial to forging truly authentic connections.

The Tyranny of the Blank Script

For heterosexual couples, society provides a clear, often rigid, script. From who proposes, to the division of labour, to the structure of the wedding ceremony, the relationship is guided by familiar, albeit sometimes limiting, cultural signposts.

For us, however, there is only the blank script.

When two women decide to build a life together, every single decision, from the trivial to the monumental, must be negotiated from scratch. Who handles the household finances? Who manages the caregiving? In the absence of prescriptive gender roles, this relational ambiguity, while initially liberating, can become emotionally taxing. We must constantly invent the rules of our own domesticity, a task straight couples rarely contemplate because their path is so clearly paved.

Compounding this is the pressure of internalised prejudice. When the constant message from the world is that our love is 'unnatural' or 'less valid,' we may find ourselves unconsciously seeking to validate our bond by mimicking the only successful models we see: heterosexual ones. This may manifest as the subtle, perhaps unintentional, adoption of 'masculine' and 'feminine' roles in a desperate attempt to make our relationship 'legible' to our families or friends, thus sacrificing the genuine, fluid dynamic we might otherwise cultivate.

The Pain of Social Erasure

In Kenya, where visibility often equates to vulnerability, many LBQ couples practise a necessary form of discretion. Yet, even when we are out to our wider social circles, our relationships are frequently subject to social erasure, the painful denial of our intimacy.

Consider the shared flat of two women in Nairobi's suburbs, who are intimate partners but are perpetually introduced as 'just housemates' or 'close friends' at a colleague's ruracio (traditional dowry event). Or the woman who is barred from the ICU during a family emergency because the hospital will only recognise the blood relatives or a 'legal spouse.'

This constant misreading of our love as mere friendship denies us the essential daily affirmations that cement a heterosexual relationship. We are excluded from the social rituals the joint invitations, the public displays of affection, the simple acceptance by a parent that affirm a relationship's gravity. When our love is not institutionally recognised, it is easily dismissed, making the grief of a breakup seem 'less serious' or the joy of an anniversary 'less significant.' This is the systemic violence of exclusion.

The Legal Wall and Financial Instability

The effects of heteronormativity are most sharply felt in the legal realm. The lack of institutional recognition in Kenya means we are denied access to fundamental protections that straight couples take for granted:

• Property Rights: Should a relationship end, or a partner pass away, there are no established laws to protect shared assets or homes built over years of joint contribution. The surviving partner may be left financially destitute.

• Inheritance and Next-of-Kin: The partner is excluded from making medical decisions or inheriting in the event of death, with biological family members who may be hostile to the relationship taking precedence.

• Employment Benefits: Access to a partner's health insurance, pension benefits, or parental leave remains an impossibility, creating structural economic instability within our households.

Heteronormativity is the framework that allows these institutional harms to persist. It frames our relationships as mere arrangements, not sacred, binding, and economically interdependent unions deserving of protection.

Resisting the Unwritten Rules

To thrive, we must recognise these pressures and deliberately create alternative blueprints. MWA and organisations working under the GALCK umbrella are vital in this work, providing the necessary community and advocacy that counters this systemic erasure.

Our relationships, unburdened by prescriptive gender roles, have the potential to pioneer deeper, more equitable connections. We must embrace this freedom, creating new rituals and new language that honours the authenticity of our bonds, rather than forcing them into the ill-fitting boxes of the dominant culture.

Our resilience is not just about survival; it is about the radical act of creating space for our joy to exist fully and openly. We are not asking for a place at the table; we are building our own, and we are setting our own rules.

As the American lesbian poet Audre Lorde once powerfully put it:

“The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change.”

Our genuine change begins when we put down the heteronormative tools and begin to build our love with materials of our own design.