Do You Know Yourself Enough to Have a Healthy Relationship?

It is always a puzzle to me how much people emphasise relationships at their own expense. Perelationships are much about a relationship, but they never quite know how to get, have and maintain a long-term one. Everyone is guessing and freestyling their way through their relationships. 

Relationships are important. We are social animals at the end of the day with an innate need for intimacy and interaction with our external reality. But although we are naturally inclined towards companionship, in the absence of a strong and healthy relationship with ourselves, we would lack genuine fulfilment in our relationships.

Have you ever felt like you're always dealt the wrong cards in your romantic life? Does it sometimes feel like you always draw the short stick? In navigating your romantic life, do you sometimes feel like you're groping in the dark? Well then, I wrote this article just for you. I've written about this in some aspects in previous articles. But this is something about you. It's an opportunity to know yourself. To know your strengths, weaknesses and limitations. You cannot expect other people to love your company when you're afraid of solitude. 

Who are you at your core? As a man or a woman, you need to have a strong self-awareness to make the most out of your relationships. Your expectations of your partner are only half of the missing piece to the puzzle. You need to have a set of principles that you go by to be able to grow and evolve as a human being. Your relationship isn't everything but merely a part of who you are, complementing your existence. You came into this world as a whole already. There is no need to have a companion complete you because you are whole in your own right. Your partner is adding fulfilment to your life and you have to consider the value you're adding to theirs. It's only fair to bring something to the table while you're busy expecting things from your partner and the relationship. If you're nonchalant about this, then maybe you should rethink whether you are indeed worthy of having a partner. More emphasis should be placed on your self-improvement and growth to be the best version of yourself. That's the only way you will bring something valuable to your relationships and gain fulfilment from them. 

You'll always have changing interests and priorities. You'll always have the qualities you desire to find in a partner. But who are you, and what do you bring to the table? Many men tend to ask women this question for the wrong reasons. Gender wars are a toxic trend. Relationships have become transactional, and men often complain about hypergamy and its impact on the marriage and the dating scene. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to live in comfort or to be protected and provided for by her partner, for as long as she has the qualities to add value to that union. So, if you're a man who's dependent on money as a selling point in your romantic life, think again. What value do you have yourself aside from your finances to ensure a lifelong commitment? Because many other men will have more money than you do. If that's your selling point to get every woman to bed, then you don't have enough of what it takes to have a decent, mature and loving long-term relationship with a woman. All you have is money that got her attention. So when it comes to genuine connections, there will always be something missing. You'll never be sure that she truly loves you. You can lie to yourself all you want that all you need is money and justify it by saying that modern dating is transactional. Unfortunately, even rich men are cheated on by their partners. If you think that money is all that women want to have a good relationship, then you've missed the point entirely. Money will not prevent you from having deficiencies. 

Choosing a woman based on looks is something natural. Beautiful women are aesthetically pleasing, there is no doubt about that. But if you're considering something that leads to marriage, and this is a main priority to you, then you're going to lose out on a lot. Many average-looking women have other more desirable qualities, making them more marriage material than the models you are chasing, simply because you think you can get the wife of your dreams with a superficial mindset. In reality, you'll get bored of her looks within the first 5 years of marriage. She won't look the same when the babies start coming into the picture. If you were superficial your entire love life, what happens next? You will cheat on her with many other beautiful, younger women. You will never be quite satisfied, because the world will never stop breeding beautiful women. Who truly fulfils you and sees the real you, at your core, beyond your material possessions? 

A lot of women are a bit mixed up when it comes to finding their sense of self, especially in their middle to late adulthood. We have been taught that, as women, we need a man to complete us and make us whole. The general consensus is that a woman is nothing without a man. Those are some strong feelings but let's unpack that a bit. We are all humans, which means that we are all relational beings. Yes, you need a man in your life to a certain extent. You get to be protected and provided for, and on top of that, you get a companion. There is nothing wrong with that. But away from your children and spouse, who are you? It may be something you'd want to brush off because perhaps you say you're young and happily married. Therefore, you see no reason why that should even bother you. 

But it's going to come back around when you find yourself edging into a full-blown midlife crisis. The question of who you are will be very real. Finding meaning in your life would go a long way in avoiding an identity crisis or a midlife crisis when you're an ageing female. It's not uncommon to find women who are clearly too old for the club trying to dress like campus divas, competing with younger females who are still in their prime. Where do you think it comes from? 

When you struggle with seeking outside validation too much, you will never really know the treasures you hold within you. If you're waiting for someone outside yourself to validate you, what's going to happen when you're older? You don't look the same as when you were a wild girl on campus, and you're probably battling a nasty divorce and single motherhood. 

Redefine yourself now. 

There is no law dictating that you have to adhere to every societal expectation. You know yourself best and you know your potential. Every other day is an opportunity to grow into your own. The companion is very important, that's undisputed. But you can't benefit from that union without also having and maintaining a healthy self-love. When was the last time you did something for yourself, even if you were living with your husband? Do you have any other fun activities or hobbies besides being a wife? 

It seems as though many men have their brotherhood bonds with their friends to help them have something interesting to do away from their partner's when they're not at home with their wives and kids. Women need as much for themselves without necessarily being self-absorbed or narcissistic. As a female reinventing yourself is essential. You are constantly evolving as a couple but the man and the woman need to know they're are also growing as themselves in their own right. It's the reason why some married couples divorce because they've simply outgrown each other. When one partner is selfish, when another gets needy and loses their identity because they make their whole life about their partner, these are some of the consequences of an unhappy couple resenting one another. It's even worse after all that if they stay for the sake of the kids but don't take the initiative to grow themselves. Because it goes hand in hand with growing as a couple. 

It should be your pleasure for your partner to grow because it doesn't mean you can't too. One growing at the expense of another is a red flag to the longevity of that union. This is why communication is crucial. 

And in regards to self-reflection and meditation, communication shouldn't be limited to your relationship. You need to normalise engaging in self-talk. You tend to be your harshest critic. Have you ever felt like you're saying meaner things to yourself because of insecurities you can't shake off just because you're stuck seeking outside validation? Having a partner doesn't guarantee long-term self-confidence. The boost of confidence you gain from your union is something that can only be sustainable if you put in work on your personal development as well. After all, you're always becoming, and self-improvement is a lifestyle, not a destination.

This is a delicate balance between struggling to be yourself and accommodate a desirable partner. You won't always get it right the first because compromises are made, and they come with drawbacks for both of you, man or woman. Which goes back to communication once again. With your partner and, most importantly, yourself. 

The reality is that there will be moments in your life where despite your relationships, you're going to have to go through a couple of storms alone. Maybe your spiritual life could help you make sense of this confusing scenario but essentially, those are times when you'll realise that even a partner has their limits and boiling point. Many men have been left by their wives who took the kids when they got sacked and went broke. Many women have been left for younger women after the second or third baby because their bodies changed and they were left with postpartum and mouths to feed. How you took care of yourself from the get-go will remind you that you are forever worthy. Those downtrodden moments are the equivalent of a moment in a cocoon before bursting into existence, as a new creature full of life and colour, each colour with a story of every scar you've ever worn and healed from. 

People serelationships'sps to run away from their inadequacies. Others are drawn to the broken ones, because they suffer from a saviour complex and want to fix them. Whatever the case, this will always be a delicate balance and you won't always get it right. But sometimes you can't. And that's worth it.