What Your Parents Don’t Owe You: A Lesson in Gratitude and Responsibility

 I had a talk with a former schooolmate the other day about his financial situation. Initially, he moved out of his home after decades of being hosted by his parents. He has a job but he's an entrepreneur, working his way through the challenges of life, trying to make something for himself. His parents are still alive and well to do. He is highly educated, courtesy of his parents who gave him everything that money could buy. He is one of the few Kenyans who can boast of being among the one percent, if you know what I mean. The envy of the ordinary Kenyan. 

He started inquiring about the future inheritance owed to him through his maternal grandmother's properties. This is something he brought up when we the grandmother was ailing, something which the mother cautioned against because it wasn't the appropriate time. Unfortunately, the grandmother passed away this month and they buried her. Simultaneously, he has encoutered challenges affecting his cashflow. So he reintroduced the subject to his parents who remained reluctant. Initially, I thought that was somewhat unfair. If they had promised him some sort of inheritance from his maternal grandmother and they can see he is struggling financially and has obligations and future plans, the parents would easily ease the burden and avail the resources to him. However, upon much consideration, I've realised something about this situation being bigger than simply granting access to inheritance. And this has prompted me to write this post considering the younger generation; the millennials and below. 

If you fit in these categories:

• Your parents are alive, either one or both of them are still taking responsibility for your wellfare even after you're passed 18 years.
• They educated you until you got your first degree or they even paid for your masters.
• They allowed you to live in their house beyond 18 years old, where they accommodated you (food, drink, shelter, clothing, WiFi, allowance, freedom with the car, leisurely activities with friends beyond the usual curfew for teens etc.)

I want you to read on. 

Look at the list of categories you may fit in. Maybe you may suit all three. But there are many things your parents are doing for you for as long as you are above 18 and they are still hosting you in their house. Yes, it's their house, not yours. And yes, they're hosting you, because legally, you don't belong there. They are legally allowed to leave you for your own and the law cannot do anything to them because you are either 18 and above. Therefore, you can easily enter jail and do some time if you are caught on the wrong side of the law. The law will not care if you are someone's daughter or son. But the you have every right to be treated with dignity and respect when you are exercising your democratic rights eg. demonstrations. We are here to talk about your relationship with your parents. 

You may be accustomed to having them care for you, and making things work for you. But have you wondered what they do to make everything work and flow now that you are still living in their house? Have you asked them where they get their source of income? Are you aware of the number of extra jobs your caregiver has to do on the side to be able to have enough money to enjoy the food you eat, the hot water your shower in, the internet that's never been disconnected, the credit you always receive, the allowance you continuously? If you believe that as a legal adult these are given to you because they are owed to you simply because they are your parents, you're going to be really heartbroken when you continue facing life. Moreso when they are no more. 

Because that is why they educated you. To prepare for life when they cease to exist. Many young adults your age saw that reality before they reached high school and their eyes are wide awake to the realities of the harshness of life. Some of them were your relatives who came to live with you for some time. Did you ever ask them how their life was like and how they handled their challenges without the support you currently enjoy? Or did you just assume that this simply cannot be your reality because you see the same thing every morning you wake up? So are you waiting for the morning you wake up and it's actually that kind of sudden change that disorients you because you were never prepared for a reality without your parents? 

These people are your parents and they are only obligated to you and your needs when you are below 18 years. Whatever school fees they are paying for you in campus is a mercy from them to you, it is not your right however much you think it is. And they grant you that mercy because they know how weak you are without those papers and they are emotionally attached to you, invested in your success. Because your success is their success. Don't confuse that level of affection and investment to mean that this is an obligation they have to fulfill because really, they don't. And if they don't, they will be right. Because you were among the one percent if you fit those categories previously stated. Therefore, with the education you enjoyed, you are able to use your wits and apply your knowledge to generate an income even at 18. It's all about the way you apply yourself. There are agemates you study with on campus who are paying for their own first degree. You don't have to bother yourself with making that happen because your parents simply wire you what you need to be able to make time to concentrate on your studies. Hopefully, you pass well enough to either earn employment, or become smart enough to become self employed and build your own wealth as your own boss. There is someone who is self employed and is your age mate, with no connections in high places who makes it work and they probably have kids and other dependants like siblings to look after, with an earnest income. 

It's naturaly to want your parents' help even when you are their adult child. But if you want your parents to respect you more, you have to show them that the money they invested in your education wasn't for granted. The best way is for you to use your knowledge to the best of your ability. The reason why you can't seem to find a way is because you are used to answers that come without hard thinking. All these billionaires who came from nothing had their wits before they made their millions. Some of them never went to the schools you have schooled in. Some have but went beyond and exerted themselves without looking onto their parents hoping for a miracle. Waiting for your parents to finance you, even if they do, is missing the point altogether. 

Focus on what you have control over, rather than what others can do. That way, you will be well aware of your own destiny when you acknowledge your role in society which you are accountable for regardless of whatever your caregivers or any powerful person decides. If you keep thinking that they are the ones to decide your destiny, you will never know what lies within you. After all, in their old age and weakness, their destiny is reliant on you and how you treat them. And even still, you can choose to neglect them and they cannot do anything about it. What you need to take from this is your love and consideration for one another is a gift not accorded to many families. And it is a gift because it is not an obligation on either side. When your parents have decided to make great sacrifices for your sake, simply acknowledging this is a big statement. You're acknowledging your accountability for whatever you have been blessed with in this life and how you make use of your time in this world. You are demonstrating a sense of responsibility and vision for fulfilling future roles, being beneficial to your family and the common man. Not because it will be rewarded but because that is what is right for the prosperity and continuity of the human species. 

Because there will be moments where your sacrifices will go unnoticed. But that should never stop you from striving to achieve them. Living a virtuous life is about seeing the bigger picture. I have just painted to you a number of possible scenarios where things can go wrong. Yes, you're not going to experience them... today. But what about tomorrow, or next week? Are you sure next year will find you here, just because you were here last year and this year so far?

When you consider the worst case scenario, you are able to gain perspective. The fact that it could have been worse, should be more than enough to sharpen your vision to develop the necessary mental fitness to face any challenges with courage. And you will have some weaknesses and limitations. But you can turn them into strengths. Whatever cannot change is simply a part of your human nature, of which you have to accept as you concentrate on strengthening your positives and working through your negatives. Not with blind optimism but with pragmatism to outline realistic goals that are achievable and to be fully focused on your game plan. Any parent who sees this vision in their child will not only be proud but is likely to invest in your future because they can see your potential. Again, it wouldn't be their obligation, rather, it would be their pleasure to be the ones who opened that door to your success. So if you fit in all three categories, and you live long enough for them to open that door for you, never forget them. Because you are the envy of many, and there will never be another you.