The Gender Wars: Why We’re All Losing in the Battle of the Sexes

A wise person once told me not to live my life along other people's timelines and I realised how right he was the older I got. No, I'm not that old, but I'm not that young. Anyway, it was at acmoment in my life where everyone was going through their own milestones. It was just a few years after high school and former classmates were getting on with a lot in life. Some married earlier than I'd have ever guessed. Others suddenly became famous when no one would have expected those particular ones would ever have fans. Others like me, felt like wasted brains, but I knew I wasn't the only one off to a slow start and I would definitely get going. I just needed to know that I can't be going by everyone else's timelines. 

Some of the achievements I have made in my writing is exactly what I was aspiring for. Now I realise how comparison is a thief of joy. When I look at the gender wars which are out of control, everyone is getting burned, men and women alike. Men who don't have enough money, are always treated like untouchables, and not in a celebrity status kind of way. You should read some of the scathing posts women write about broke men online. Unbelievable. Any man without deep pockets immediately removes himself from any romantic equation. Which is really sad, because what is he supposed to do when he is lonely and needs a spouse? So there is such a man, alone, wallowing in self pity and doubt, wondering whether he's even deserving of love. Most men who are liquid tell him to focus on his studies and career, get his money up. Now is not his time to shine. I've never heard of men calling each other King so many times before the introduction of the red pill society. The pretty women are competing for the round bellied senior citizens because relationships have become irreversibly transactional. For as long as they have the beauty, they have the leverage in the table of negotiations. They can pick a man for every need becausd they can afford to. One for rent, bills, a car and it's servicing. And the pure bloke she gives a lay every now and then because the has good genes is drained of every shilling he has to his name. At this rate, men are going to have to pay dowry in cryptocurrency to prove their wealth. You're wondering where some of men's lies come from? If he told you he was broke, but he's mesmerised by you and would give anything for one night with you even if he can't afford a plate of food in your favourite Brazilian restaurant, would you have said yes? Then why are you mad when the pressure to conform makes this man literally say anything to get your attention and he knew he wouldn't stand the chance if he started with honesty? 

Years go by and father time has never been kind to females in the social sphere. That girl is still pulling it off somehow, but she's not 21 and that's just the problem. She also has a short memory of the way she used her leverage when she thought she would drown in the fountain of youth for all time. In come the red pill drama Kings who've been waiting for the past decade to get it off their chests. Now it's all about the body count of a woman as if she got on top of herself to get the body count she's being shamed for - no she is entirely the one blameworthy and the men in her past are sinless. He now has the financial backing that can afford any lady he wants. You know, because relationships are transactional, (and I'm being very serious the ridiculousness is headed towards cryptocurrency paying for dowry as the bare minimum. You laugh now, but you've opened that door and it won't be so funny when your watching it live). So since he has his money right as he was told, he doesn't see the need for fidelity. Because he now stands by polygamy. I personally don't judge polygamy because I'm the product of it. But the new tangerine he remarried is not having it. She had no problems when she was getting money wired to her account at his ex wife's expense. Or when the ex wife was rendered homeless because the big man had no use for damaged goods. But just the way she got him, that's how she's losing him. She's told to make the necessary arrangements to exit without anything she never came with. Her cheeks are burning with tears.

Now that he has a taste for the younger fruit, he assumes this one is subservient to him. It was fun when he had the upper hand in relational experience, but apparently, no one warned him that dating or marrying a significantly young miss is no easy fete. The high of earning his check book has faded, and now he's just like any other man who will promise a title deed of a house in runda with her name on it. Switching cars and phones is now boring, she wants to have a weekend in Dubai. My guy, can you charter a flight for a weekend in Dubai? Her friend Talia is dating an Italian businessman who takes her to Dubai every month with her account and bank card loaded for heavy shopping for the duration of the trip. You can console yourself with that Prado and Range, your tangerine has been slipping and sliding with Talia's boyfriend's business associate who can get her pregnant with a cerelac baby and an Italian passport. By the way, why didn't you ever tell her that she had the potential for modeling? She's telling everyone you wanted to trap her with a baby to settle her down and you were dead weight. That cerelac baby is different. It's a cerelac baby. That's her currency now. That's the kid she wants to parade on tiktok videos saying how her Italian man is bae. She used to love your language because she was fascinated with your culture. Today, the promise of a cerelac life makes her disgusted with your language. She exits with everything she came with, takes a live stream video of her trip to Milan where she's been promised a contract with Vogue as soon as she lands. Then she posts a pic on Instagram standing next to a plane flipping you off. 

When will it end? It defeats logic to compete with the very gender you literally need to procreate with. The misandrists are on overdrive, the red pill society is on steroids. No one is helping the other. You cannot convince that as a man you love women yet you talk about them like livestock depreciating in value. You cannot convince me that all these men are worthless just because you got a raw deal with the wrong men, saying there are no good men - are you a good woman? When you think about the perfect man for you, are you absolutely certain he would want you? When you trash talk Nairobi women lumping them into one bag of dung, picture your ideal perfect wife. Are you absolutely sure sure that ideal match would take your hand in marriage? 

Put money and peackoking aside, because even rich men are cheating and being cheated on. So if you think money is enough to buy you the love you desired since you were a ready to settle down, think again. Stop looking for the perfect partner. The perfect man wants the perfect woman. The perfect woman wants the perfect man. And that's not always guaranteed contrary to the lies on Netflix because all the men and women complicit in these fierce gender wars rage baiting each other to death are just as bad as each other. Literally. And misery needs company. And since there's not that many types of genitalia, you better put your pride aside and get used to each other because you sound like grown children every time you rage bait online. 

But how did we get here? Like I said, comparison is a thief of joy. We all know the feeling of being compared from our childhood. That moment you were told to be more like your sibling, that moment when your grades were compared during parents teachers meetings. There

 Right there. That realisation that you would always fall short and there would always be someone better than you in something, that's what's bugging you. It may look like it's the cheating men and women do against each other but that betrayal is surface level. Underneath is that feeling of shame. Shane because you've realised there's a part of your competitor in the mating game that has an edge over you and you'll always play catch up. There will always be a more attractive man or woman, beautiful people are literally born everyday. The world won't stop because your looks don't match the competition. It will stop the chance to mate but there are seven billion people in the world. You literally won't die of a broken heart. Just be careful how you invest yourself in every potential relationship. And as much as the disbelievers would hate to hear this, some people got lucky with their unions because there was an element of trust in Allah to come through when they needed it the most.

What you're looking for, you will never find in any relationships nor your marriage. Self love. I'm not talking about the sensational toxic positivity you see being written in every self help book. You talk about how you have a raw deal in love and finding your happily ever after, but do you love yourself in the first place? How will someone love you if you don't love yourself? Do you enjoy your own company? When was the last time you did something for yourself, instead of waiting for another Valentine's Day? You don't have to follow anyone else's timelines, which means you know yourself how you want to treat yourself if you had the power to do anything in the world right now. Okay, maybe you're scared of spending time alone. It's understandable that you feed off other people's energy and you can't sit alone in your own thoughts. So let's try an experiment. 

I remember having a conversation like this with a friend of mine. So he gave me some advice I've heard more than once from him and from others. I've thought about it a couple of times in one form or another. Take a pen and paper because I want you to write something down. Using your phone, tablet or laptop is cheating. Pick up ab actual pen and a sheet of paper, (I recommend A4 for this one). Since you're struggling with your love life, it means you're unaware of yourself in many ways. Don't worry, everyone is gaining self awareness on a daily. What you knew about the world over a news leak on X, you couldn't have possibly known last week. You couldn't have know it today of you never logged in. Self awareness expands with our interactions with the world and the people in it. So being a bit nervous to criticise your faults is natural and normal. I would be more concerned if you were highly self critical, in which case, I'm going to try dedicate an article to that in the near future. I digress. 

Now that you have that sheet of paper in front of you, I want you to start with writing the title, The Things I Want In My Ideal Partner. You see where this is going? Just write your thoughts down until you feel you're satisfied with the list of requirements. Mind you, in this list, you're only allowed to right the top 5. Anything beyond that is pertaining to desires or worldly matters and if you think of these five carefully, you will actually realise why you chose them. Because if your partner lack more than one of them and they're reasonable 5 requirements, that is the only time you can talk about that being a deal-breaker. I here how people in the dating seen throwing words around about dealbreakers, red flags, suspect. But it's never interesting when your name is included in such a conversation, is it? 

Please take your time writing this list, by the way. This is your list is yours to have and not an assignment to hand in for marking. You would be lying to yourself if you are below 25 and you think you can fill your main 5 in one sitting. Perhaps a millennial or older newly divorced adult would have an easier time filling it out because they have the relational experience and they know what the definitely don't want anymore in a partner vis a vis what they do want. You have to cross check your dating pool with a bit more pragmatism, and I'm not saying that in a mean way. But sometimes, desires don't always match reality. And even if you have a nice selection, still, do the same. Why? Because the older you get, the more you'll realise the wisdom in knowing someone first before listing them your expectations. If you have an expectation you're dead set on your date lacks, what about the other things they have which could make them a great partner for you? Would you ever notice the pleasant new potential qualities they had to offer if you cut them off for lacking that one thing? What if the guy knows how to cook and help around the house but he doesn't earn within your expected income bracket? What if she's not a looker but she's average with culinary skills? What if he's not physically muscular but he's reasonably healthy and lean with no history of coronary heart disease in his family? What if her shape isn't a perfect hourglass with a flat tummy, but she's medium sized and is a really good home maker and good with kids? 

Now that you've had your five down, look at them and examine them one by one. There is a reason why you chose them and want them in your ideal partner. Now ask yourself whether you have any of those things. Because it's only fair for you to demand if you can supply. Back yourself. Be honest with yourself about whether you have those five qualities, because self deceit will only take you so far and that will start showing in your relationships or your marriages. It's easy to expect something from your partner. It's harder to show up when there are requirements you yourself are supposed to have. It's beyond just your dating life now. These are supposed to be the desirable qualities that sell you as a person in almost every aspect of the rest of your life. If you want an honest partner, you can't pick and choose when it's good to be honest yourself. If you're a believer, you would know that honesty is obligatory in your character as a believer. Now you can see why the work is not on finding the right partner but by being the right person. When you're striving towards goodness, eventually, goodness will find you. 

We're talking about working on yourself and I want to introduce a concept that will explain your identity in an understandable manner. The Theory of Self Concept. 

Carl Rogers’ Theory of Self-Concept: Understanding the Self

Carl Rogers, a leading figure in humanistic psychology, developed a comprehensive theory of self-concept that emphasises personal growth, self-awareness, and the pursuit of self-actualisation. His theory highlights the subjective experience of the individual, meaning that how a person perceives themselves (rather than objective reality) shapes their thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.

What is Self-Concept According to Carl Rogers?

Self-concept refers to the organised and consistent set of beliefs and perceptions a person has about themselves. It acts as a mental framework that influences how we see the world and interact with others.

The Three Components of Self-Concept

Rogers identified three major aspects:

1. Self-Image – How a person views themselves (e.g., "I am intelligent," "I am unattractive").

2. Self-Esteem (Self-Worth) – The value one places on themselves (e.g., confidence, insecurity).

3. Ideal Self – The person one strives to become (e.g., "I want to be successful and kind").

A healthy self-concept occurs when these three components are well-balanced, leading to self-acceptance and psychological well-being.

Congruence vs. Incongruence: The Core of Self-Concept

Rogers believed that psychological distress arises when there is a mismatch between the actual self and the ideal self.

Congruence (Alignment of Self-Concept)

When a person’s self-image closely matches their ideal self, they experience congruence.

This leads to high self-esteem, inner peace, and a strong sense of self-worth.

Example: A person who values honesty and consistently behaves truthfully will feel authentic and self-assured.

Incongruence (Misalignment of Self-Concept)

When there is a large gap between the self-image and the ideal self, the person experiences incongruence.

This creates inner conflict, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy.

Example: A person who sees themselves as a failure but aspires to be successful may feel deeply frustrated and ashamed.

How Shame Develops from Incongruence

If a person believes they fall short of their ideal self, they may experience chronic shame.

If they receive conditional love (e.g., only being valued when they succeed), they may internalise shame as part of their self-concept.

The Role of Unconditional Positive Regard

Rogers believed that a healthy self-concept is nurtured by unconditional positive regard, which means being accepted and loved without conditions.

Conditional vs. Unconditional Positive Regard

Conditional Positive Regard – A person feels valued only when they meet specific expectations (e.g., academic success, physical appearance). This fosters low self-worth and shame.

Unconditional Positive Regard – A person is accepted and loved regardless of their flaws. This allows them to develop self-acceptance and confidence.

The Impact of Childhood Experiences

Children raised with conditional love often develop perfectionism, people-pleasing behaviours, or self-doubt.

Those raised with unconditional love are more likely to develop a strong and resilient self-concept.

Self-Actualisation: The Ultimate Goal

Rogers believed that humans have an innate drive towards self-actualisation, meaning they naturally strive to become the best version of themselves.

Characteristics of a Self-Actualised Person

Openness to Experience – Willingness to explore emotions and new ideas.

Authenticity – Living in alignment with one’s values.

Autonomy – Not relying on external validation.

Creativity and Growth – Constantly learning and evolving.

How Shame Blocks Self-Actualisation

People stuck in toxic shame struggle to grow because they feel fundamentally flawed. And the presence of these gender wars is the reason you may be overwhelmed with shame. When men and woman make harsh and unfair criticisms of each other in the heat of gender wars, there are some who feel inadequate and struggle with self doubt. This leads to overcompensating because they're struggling to match their real self from their ideal self. That explains what people generally assume about rich men who aren't very well endowed. Or that celebrity who does excessive cosmetic surgery and addiction sends them off the rails. 

Overcoming shame requires self-acceptance, unconditional self-worth, and emotional healing.

Conclusion

Men and women are endowed differently not to compete with one another over superiority but to complement one another. Ever gender will inevitably have their role they must fulfill. Equality doesn't necessarily mean sameness or exactness. It does make women lesser than men or vice versa because our sexual differences complementing one another is the miracle of the human condition. Instead of arguing who's better than the other, realise that at the end of the day, whether or not we'd like to admit it, we need each other. You may not like every member of the opposite sex and that's not the point. The point is to celebrate the good we have that makes us valuable to one another. Turning against each other is affecting the way we relate on several fronts and the implications are severe, which we are currently seeing. Yes, times may change. But it would be better to address the development with maturity, to find solutions to maintain coexistence, rather than compete to hurt one another, yet we'll wind up hurting ourselves, because it comes back around.