Before You Walk Away: A Man’s Guide to Understanding and Supporting a Bipolar Partner

So, it's her. You've found the perfect woman. She ticks all the boxes, and her perfection perplexes you. But that's why you're drawn to her. You may have even been romantic for a couple of months, and so far, so good. Things are going great. You always knew there would be ups and downs in every relationship, but you never would have predicted her flaws when the cracks start to show, and the mask slowly slips off.

She's suddenly distant. What's happening? You can recall the first few months when she would blow up your phone. When she was attached to you like a third hip wherever you went. No one could see you without seeing her. She was very assertive as well—an open book. You would always know what she was thinking and feeling because she never minced words. And now she's gone dark on you.

You start to consider yourself as the problem. It has to be, right? Recalling all the memories of every encounter with her, you start playing back the chain of events, trying to pinpoint where exactly you dropped the ball. It's probably been a week. No calls, no texts. Sometimes her phone is even off. Is she seeing someone else? Why would she just drop off the face of the earth so unexpectedly?

After numerous calls with no response and thousands of unanswered texts, you resign yourself to life without her. You go to work every day and continue about your business, slowly getting used to the idea of being ghosted. And then, when you check your contacts for a pity rebound, she sends a text:

"Hey. Sorry I went AWOL on you. I've had some issues I had to sort out on my own. I wish I could have told you sooner."

Really?

And that's just one of the many odd behaviours you now know she has. And when she comes back, she acts like nothing happened, without a reasonable explanation. The most puzzling part is, she wasn’t even cheating at all when you decided to be cheeky enough to check her phone. You begin noticing the angry outbursts, and the unusually jovial disposition, alternating unpredictably. You find it difficult to tell when you're about to vex her.

And then she drops the B-bomb on you. No, not profanity. Your partner is actually living with bipolar disorder. You weren't expecting that.

I get it. Having a partner who suffers from bipolar can intimidate you into terminating the relationship because of the stigma surrounding those living with mental disorders. Generally, people tend to fear what they don't understand. But if your partner is presenting these types of symptoms, the worst thing you can do is call her crazy. That makes you complicit in the stigma she already has to contend with from the world. And it definitely shows insensitivity and a lack of sincerity towards a human experience.

A lot of these mental illnesses are explained through the chemical imbalance theory. Basically, the brain has chemicals in it called neurotransmitters. They are responsible for influencing our thoughts and behaviour. They fluctuate according to external stimuli—that is to say, the things humans are exposed to in the environment via the five senses. Sometimes, these chemicals fluctuate to influence behavioural patterns, which explains some of the variations in personalities humans exhibit in relation to one another. That's why some people have soft personalities, while others are in need of anger management classes.

That is essentially what's happening inside your partner's mind and brain. As scary as that may be considering her behaviour, this condition is manageable through psychiatric treatment and psychotherapy. She would simply need to have regular doses of suitable medication under the guidance of a certified psychiatrist. If she were to do some psychotherapy on the side with a clinical psychologist, that would be an added advantage in helping her develop coping mechanisms while improving her personal development. The difference between psychotherapy and psychiatry, you ask? The psychiatrist will diagnose and medically treat her because they have a medical background specialising in matters of mental health. The psychiatrist prescribes the medication.

The psychotherapist mainly uses talk therapy and has nothing to do with the prescription of your partner's medication. The psychotherapist is supposed to help your partner with the daily struggles of living with bipolar disorder. They can discuss relationships, career, personal development, and so on.

It would be helpful if you were part of the treatment too. If you were to specifically sit through the psychotherapy sessions, you would learn a lot about why your partner is the way she is. She's not entirely blameworthy when the fluctuations of chemicals in her brain are mentally driving her up the wall. If anything, now that you know, now is the time to be supportive. This was someone you first fell in love with because of the qualities you saw in her, and those qualities are still there. She's still the same person. Choosing to stay supportive does not make you any less of a person.

You may have some understandable fears about other people and their perceptions of you as a couple. She has had to deal with that kind of stigma her whole life. When you show your support, you are affirming her right to be seen and heard. If you're curious, you can ask as many questions as possible to familiarise yourself with bipolar disorder. Get acquainted with the variations of symptoms she experiences because each patient is different. Maybe you have noticed she's always emotional and cries a lot. That may imply she's mostly the depressive type. Give her words of affirmation in that regard, so she may know the power of positive thinking. Maybe she gets into mania. Mania is basically when she has a period in the month where she has elevated emotions and is jumping off the walls with uncontainable excitement. For example, she could spend days on end binge-watching films online. Or she could engage in risky behaviour, such as binge drinking.

When she's having a manic episode, the language you use when addressing her really matters. Calling her names like "crazy" or "nuts" will definitely hurt her feelings. She may even start to internalise those harmful thoughts and is likely to react negatively to her external environment, feeling misunderstood. That will affect her perception of you, love, and relationships in general. Instead of being accusatory when you're addressing your concern for her behaviour, start by telling her how it makes you feel to notice certain alarming actions. That way, she won't feel like she is being blamed for her impulses, and she won't necessarily feel judged. But at the same time, she will be aware of how her behaviour affects the people around her. Her being more conscious of that would make it easier to prevent her from engaging in potentially harmful behaviour to herself and others.

Relationships take patience and trust. She's going to be paranoid and may have trust issues from past experiences. Maintain positive energy towards her and assure her that whatever you see in her has more to do with her individuality than the disorder. Because at the end of the day, bipolar is only a part of her life that merely alters her brain chemistry. But there's still a person underneath that exterior worth exploring and being grateful for. People living with bipolar have gone out into the world to achieve great things, many of whom are celebrated in modern times. It's common knowledge among the British, or for those knowledgeable in British history, that their former prime minister, Winston Churchill, lived with bipolar disorder. He was known for many things, being an orator among them.

Ultimately, she has to figure herself out on her own, and you can't do that work for her. But you can be supportive along the way and remain present as a gentle reminder that everyone searching for love and kindness deserves it and can receive it.