Why Some Adults Can't Forgive Their Parents: The Trauma of Neglect

There is nothing as painful as the thought of your adult child, somewhere out there, not caring what befalls, having separated from you physically, psychologically and emotionally. When they're always busy and consider you a burden, yet you go through intense pain and weakness birthing them. Or when you lost almost everything trying to provide and protect them after siring them. You would think they would be grateful to be alive. And what better gratitude than to be dutiful to parents?

Parental neglect is not always about overt abuse or intentional harm. Neglect can be physical (failure to provide basic necessities like food, shelter, or medical care) or emotional (consistent lack of affection, attention, support, or validation).

Emotional neglect is especially insidious because it’s often invisible. A child may have all their material needs met but still feel abandoned emotionally. Maybe the mother was a career woman who struggled to bring food to the table and it was challenging for her to balance between the nurturing and the provision. This is especially the case in the story of single mothers who are playing the role of both parents and have a hard time taking care of themselves. Because they have to consider their children's needs ahead of their own, being the sole reliable caregiver. Maybe both parents are together but are working hard in more than one job to pay the bills. They could be away from the children for a considerable period, leaving the child discontent and neglected. It's very easy for the child to grow up presuming the parents were never concerned while lacking the parents' perspective.

The child could grow up struggling to navigate the delicate period of adolescence in the absence of a present mother and father or caregiver. All it takes is for the child to have grown up with male and female role models because in the absence of a biological mother and father figure, male and female caregivers can be role models for the child. But navigating the complexities of adolescence from the social level has some negative implications on the child's confidence, sef awareness, and self-esteem. If for example no one defended them against bullies, and they faced any cruelty from the world without the intervention of the parents, that child will grow to resent the parent. Because a parent protects and provides when the offspring and young and feeble. They are supposed to provide a nurturing environment for the sake of the child's brain development and emotional well-being. Failure to fulfil those roles successfully can create some noticeable gaps in the child's life as it forms their perception of parenting in light of their filial ties.

It's no wonder the adult offspring would consider taking advantage of whatever leverage they may have and neglect their parent. If they felt neglected in their youth, they would struggle to empathise with their elderly parent and have perspective. A man or woman having their own child in adulthood does not guarantee empathy for the parent they believed neglected them. They have this feeling that punitive measures must be implemented to make an example of the parent. Perhaps because they derive pleasure from controlling the narrative at the expense of their parent. It would be puzzling for outsiders to follow the logic and even harder for the adult child to articulate.

The neglected parent having had time to reflect on their legacy cannot fail to realise their shortcomings. Parents are always remorseful when falling short of their children's expectations because they were the first role models when their kids entered this world. Contrast neglect is a common parenting mistake. All parents make errors, but neglect is chronic and persistent, often leading to long-term consequences for the child’s development.

Neglected children often grow up feeling unworthy of love. This lack of validation can lead to low self-esteem, feelings of abandonment, and a pervasive sense of loneliness. They may internalize neglect, believing they’re inherently flawed or unlovable.

Chronic neglect can lead to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and even complex PTSD. The absence of emotional support during formative years makes it hard for these individuals to process emotions in healthy ways.
Trust issues are common. Neglected children often struggle to trust others, expecting betrayal or indifference from relationships. Some may develop hyper-independence, believing they can’t rely on anyone, while others become clingy or codependent, seeking validation from external sources.


Long-Term Behavioral Patterns can develop. In adulthood, neglected children might choose emotionally unavailable partners, subconsciously recreating their childhood dynamics. They may struggle with boundaries, either being overly accommodating or rigidly detached. They may replicate neglectful behaviours if they become parents, perpetuating the cycle unknowingly.


Sometimes there could be physical manifestations. The stress from emotional neglect can even show up physically—chronic illnesses, poor stress management, and unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse. In a situation where the neglect of the parent was alternated with various forms of child abuse, it could lead to such adverse effects in the future and life of that adult.

From the perspective of parents, not all neglect is malicious or intentional. Many parents neglect their children due to personal, societal, or cultural factors. Some parents simply don’t recognise their behaviour as neglectful. They might be overwhelmed by work stress, financial pressures, or their own mental health struggles. They may believe that providing materially is enough, underestimating the importance of emotional connection. They may even be lacking awareness because emotional neglect was normalized in their own upbringing. 

It is important to note that many parents who neglect their children were themselves neglected or abused as kids. Without proper support or self-awareness, they unconsciously repeat the patterns they experienced. Take for example the African context. I'm a Kenyan by origin. It's challenging to articulate emotions as easily as other ethnicities. A parent raised in a household where emotions were never discussed may feel uncomfortable expressing affection, even if they love their child deeply. It's one of those things family members infer but don't express or articulate. That is African culture. Changing that narrative would be challenging unless parents found a way of using language in a manner to convey their thoughts and feelings to their children from a tender age, to normalise assertiveness in the child. 

And what if the parent in question is struggling with a mental disorder? Depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or personality disorders can impair a parent’s ability to be emotionally available. They may be physically present but emotionally absent, trapped in their own struggles unknown to their child and much to the child's dismay. 

Some parents recognise their neglect only later in life—when their children confront them or when they see the consequences in their adult children’s lives. These are some of the wrangles between the parent and the child in later life. Some adults choose never to speak to their parents again and deny them access to their grandchildren as revenge. Others turn to mean retorts, lacking any other way of articulating the displeasure and trauma of a dark childhood. For the saddened parent, this can lead to guilt and attempts to reconnect. Others, however, remain defensive or dismissive, unable to face their shortcomings.

As a matter of fact, in writing this post, a certain theory comes to mind called attachment theory. Attachment theory, initially developed by John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, offers an understanding of how early relationships, especially those between children and their caregivers, influence emotional development and later interpersonal relationships. This theory is one of the most influential in the field of developmental psychology.

If the child experiences a caregiver who is consistently responsive and nurturing, they develop a positive working model, feeling worthy of love and trusting others. If the caregiver is unreliable, unresponsive, or neglectful, the child may form a negative working model, developing feelings of insecurity and mistrust. 

Children tend to have a desire to stay close to the caregiver for comfort and safety. The attachment figure provides comfort during times of fear or distress. The attachment figure serves as a base for the child to explore the world, knowing they can return to the caregiver for reassurance. The child experiences anxiety or distress when separated from their caregiver.

You can see why this toughens the adult's efforts for reconciliation with their parent that neglected them. But there are pathways for healing and rebuilding relationships, whether reconciliation is possible or not. 

For the Adult Child:

• Acknowledging the pain is the first step. Many adults downplay or deny their neglect, thinking, “Others had it worse.”
• Encourage therapy to process emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and break destructive patterns.
• Emphasize the importance of setting boundaries—whether it’s limiting contact with neglectful parents or redefining the relationship.
• Discuss the choice to confront the parent or let go without seeking closure, depending on the situation.

For the Parent:

• Self-awareness is key. Parents must first recognize their neglectful behaviour without becoming defensive.
• Encourage open communication with their children, listening without judgment.
• Seeking forgiveness is important, but it should come from a place of genuine remorse, not self-preservation.
• Some parents might need their own therapy to address underlying issues like depression, trauma, or cultural conditioning.

When Reconciliation Isn’t Possible:

• Sometimes, relationships are too damaged, or the parent remains unwilling to change. Validate the choice to walk away for the sake of mental health.
• Explore the idea of forgiveness without reconciliation—letting go of anger for personal peace, not necessarily to repair the relationship.

Cultural and Societal Factors

Cultural norms and societal pressures influence perceptions of neglect.

• In some cultures, emotional expression is seen as a weakness, leading to normalized emotional neglect.
• Gender roles can play a part—fathers might be expected to be distant providers, while mothers carry the emotional burden.
• Socioeconomic factors also matter. Poverty, job insecurity, and lack of support systems can make it harder for parents to be emotionally present.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop the Perpetuation of Parental Neglect

Breaking the cycle of parental neglect is one of the most crucial steps in the healing process, as it involves not only repairing the damage done in one’s own life but also ensuring that the neglectful patterns don’t repeat in future generations. Understanding this cycle is vital, as individuals who were neglected as children may unconsciously perpetuate the same behaviours in their own parenting. However, it is possible to interrupt this cycle through awareness, a conscious effort, and healthy behavioural change.

1. Acknowledging the Cycle of Neglect:

The first and most critical step in breaking the cycle of neglect is to recognize that it exists. Many parents who were neglected as children may struggle to identify how they are perpetuating neglect in their own families. This can be due to normalizing neglectful behaviour as “just how things were done,” or because they are unaware of the emotional needs of their children.

Steps for breaking the cycle:

• Reflect on your own upbringing: If you were neglected as a child, begin by honestly reflecting on the patterns of neglect in your own life. What was lacking in your upbringing—was it emotional support, physical care, or validation? Reflecting on this can help you gain awareness of the emotional scars that may be affecting your parenting style today.

• Recognize signs of neglect: It’s important to identify what constitutes neglect, both emotional and physical. Emotional neglect, which can often go unnoticed, might include a lack of emotional validation, support, and attention. Physical neglect might involve failing to provide for a child’s material needs or to ensure their safety.

2. Educating Yourself on Healthy Parenting and Emotional Needs:

Many individuals who experienced neglect may have grown up with parents who didn't teach them how to parent in healthy, emotionally responsive ways. Educating yourself on the principles of healthy parenting is crucial to breaking the cycle.

• Learn about emotional validation: Children need to feel understood, validated and supported emotionally. If you were raised in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or ignored, you might not know how to validate your child's emotions. Understanding the importance of emotional validation and practising it with your children is a key element in breaking the cycle.

• Parenting workshops or classes: Attending parenting classes, reading books on healthy parenting, or even working with a therapist or counsellor can provide you with tools to approach your own parenting differently. These resources help you develop skills for active listening, providing emotional support, and creating a safe space for children to express themselves.

• Attachment theory: Understanding the impact of attachment styles—whether secure or insecure—can help break the cycle of neglect. Children need secure attachments to feel safe and loved. Parents can consciously develop secure attachment behaviours by providing consistent emotional support, responding to their child's needs, and building trust through regular and meaningful interactions.

3. Healing Your Own Emotional Wounds:

Parents who were neglected as children may still carry unresolved emotional wounds that impact their ability to connect with their children. Healing your own wounds is a fundamental step in breaking the cycle of neglect because it ensures that you aren’t passing on your trauma to the next generation.

• Trauma therapy: Therapy can help you address your own childhood neglect and process any unresolved emotional pain. Working with a therapist trained in trauma-informed care or attachment-based therapy can help you address the psychological scars left by neglect, heal from past wounds, and prevent the negative effects of trauma from influencing your parenting.

• Mindfulness and self-awareness: Learning to recognize your triggers, emotional reactions, and patterns of behaviour is an important part of healing. Mindfulness can help you become more emotionally present with your children and prevent you from unconsciously reacting to them in ways that reflect your own neglect.

• Self-compassion: Practicing self-compassion is key to healing emotional wounds. Many individuals who were neglected as children may harbour feelings of guilt or shame about their past. By cultivating self-compassion, you can forgive yourself for past mistakes and work toward healthier emotional connections with your children.

4. Improving Emotional Availability:

A common form of neglect is emotional absence—parents who may provide for their children’s material needs but fail to offer emotional support. Being emotionally available to your children is one of the most significant ways to break the cycle of neglect.

• Create emotional safety: Provide a safe and open space for your children to express their emotions. This means actively listening, showing empathy, and validating their feelings. Being emotionally available to your children helps them develop healthy emotional regulation skills and strengthens their sense of security.

• Emotional check-ins: Regular emotional check-ins, where you ask your child how they are feeling and really listen to their answers, create emotional intimacy and closeness. This kind of engagement ensures that children feel heard and valued, which can prevent emotional neglect.

• Spending quality time: Prioritize spending quality time with your children. This means engaging with them without distractions (like phones or TV), playing with them, talking to them, and being emotionally present during these moments.

5. Breaking Generational Patterns Through Conscious Parenting:

To break the cycle of neglect, parents must consciously commit to adopting healthier parenting practices. This involves challenging old beliefs, unlearning unhealthy patterns, and intentionally adopting new strategies.

• Model healthy emotional expression: Parents can break the cycle by modelling healthy emotional expression. If you were raised in a family where emotions were repressed, you may not have learned how to express feelings appropriately. By openly expressing your emotions—whether it's joy, sadness, frustration, or love—you teach your children that it is okay to experience and express their emotions.

• Addressing unmet needs: Parents can break the cycle by addressing their own unmet emotional needs while simultaneously ensuring their children’s needs are met. This includes learning how to nurture themselves emotionally—whether through self-care practices, therapy, or simply learning to set healthy emotional boundaries.

• Apologizing and making amends: If you have unintentionally neglected your child, it’s important to apologize and make amends. Acknowledging your mistakes and taking responsibility for your actions can demonstrate to your child that you are committed to breaking the cycle and improving your relationship.

6. Cultivating a Supportive Network:

Breaking the cycle of neglect often requires a supportive network of friends, family, and mental health professionals. Creating a supportive environment for both the parent and child can help ensure long-term healing and growth.

• Seeking family therapy: Family therapy can provide a safe space for family members to express their feelings, work through past neglect, and develop new, healthier communication strategies.

• Support groups: Joining a support group of parents who are also working to break cycles of neglect or abuse can provide guidance, encouragement, and shared learning. Knowing that you’re not alone in your struggles can be empowering.

• Building a nurturing community: Sometimes, parents may need to seek out external role models or mentors for their children, particularly if they feel they are unable to provide certain forms of support. Building a nurturing community that provides emotional support can help prevent the emotional neglect of children.

7. Breaking the Silence Around Neglect:

One of the most important steps in breaking the cycle of neglect is ending the silence that often surrounds these issues. Many individuals who grew up with neglect may be uncomfortable speaking out about their experiences because of stigma, shame, or fear of judgment.

• Open dialogue: By opening up the conversation about neglect—whether in family settings, communities, or therapy—individuals can begin to break the shame that often surrounds these experiences. Open dialogue encourages healing and helps normalize the process of addressing trauma.

• Shifting cultural perceptions: In some cultures, neglect may be viewed as normal or even acceptable, especially when physical needs are met. Challenging these cultural perceptions and advocating for more emotionally connected, compassionate parenting can contribute to breaking the cycle of neglect.

Conclusion:

Breaking the cycle of parental neglect requires a conscious, multi-faceted effort to identify patterns, educate oneself, heal from past wounds, and engage in healthier emotional behaviours. With awareness, education, and intentional action, individuals can change the trajectory of their families and prevent the harmful patterns of neglect from being passed down. It’s a long-term process, but by nurturing oneself and fostering emotionally connected relationships with children, it is entirely possible to break the cycle and create a healthier emotional legacy for future generations.