The Psychology of Revenge: Why We Crave It and How It Affects Us

I can remember when I was a young girl and I studied in the same class stream as my brother. Not because we were twins, he was a gifted child. We were born exactly 11 months apart. Yes, he was so excited to enter this world, he couldn't wait a year.

That close 11 months affected our relationship forever. We're closer than ever right now, but it wasn't always that way. In our childhood, we were constantly biting each other's heads off, driving each other up the wall. If you had told me back then he would become one of my best friends, I'd say you're insane, but it's true, he is one of my best friends now. And there's nothing as good as being a friend to a sibling beyond just filial ties. That in itself is a blessing, but I digress.

The issue I wanted to bring out was the nature of our rivalry when we were young. I'm not talking about sibling rivalry. I'm talking about the first fights I can remember having with another human being when I was a child, and how that shaped the way I handled conflict and my adversaries to this day.

Let me give you another example of a scenario for context. There was a constant debate about who would handle the remote in the video room in the absence of the adult. If I wanted to watch something interesting and my show was running, my elder brother would want to watch something else instead. Forget the fact that I had been waiting to tune into my show since morning when it was announced, when my elder brother would enter the video room, by our age gap, he took command of the remote and chose the station. And I always thought that was unfair until I did the same to my younger cousins.

So I wanted to get a one-up on him for inconveniencing my screen time. When I returned home from school and we had a fun day, I had the habit of taking snacks home from other students. We used to come with snacks and exchange them and eat junk food together on the last days of school, maybe listen to music and watch a video. Primary school life could afford us the nonchalance of our parents' hardship in paying tuition. I'd stock up as many goodies as my empty school bag could carry because I wasn't studying that day. Then I would plan for an evening cartoon session in the video room. And for a time, it was fun. Save for the days my elder brother was home at the same time.

He would ask for some snacks, but now was my chance of leverage after he cut me off my show just the other night.
"No," I would reply, "There's not enough and I haven't had lunch. This is all I have to eat."
Of course, I wasn't going to give him as much as a biscuit. It served him right to deny me the pleasure I always looked forward to after school. I got mine in. 1-1.
I headed to the kitchen for a glass because pouring soda from the bottle made me feel like royalty. Then I went to the toilet to relieve myself because I was already pressed on the ride back home. When I was done with my business in the lavatory, I washed my hands preparing myself for a feast. Walking back to the kitchen, I found crumbs of leftover popcorn and crisps. The pack of my favourite digestive biscuits was in the bin. There was no glass of soda, let alone the remaining litre of Sprite. And I knew that to add insult to injury, I would miss another show I had long waited for since I checked the list of programmes in the newspaper over the last weekend. I could hear the sound of music videos playing in the video room from the corridor, and I dared not enter because I knew. My heart sank. That was definitely 10-0.

This kind of thing extends beyond any sibling rivalry. You may find that the way you handle conflict in your formative years shapes how you handle injustice generally as an adult. There is always this compulsive need to be in control. To change the narrative for the justice denied. Why do you think some people simply can't let go of grudges? Have you ever had that workmate you really wanted to fix for the way they irk you every day finishing all the sugar in the coffee room? Was it really fair to shout at your spouse for last week's argument, just because he or she happened to slip up again this morning? Was the anger really justified in its intensity?

They say that it ain't over until the fat lady sings.

Revenge is a powerful emotional response that has been studied in psychology, neuroscience, and even evolutionary biology. While it can feel satisfying at the moment, its long-term effects on mental health and well-being can be complex.

1. Why Do Humans Crave Revenge?

Revenge is deeply wired into human nature, often driven by psychological, social, and even biological factors:

• Evolutionary Psychology – Revenge evolved as a survival mechanism to deter future harm. In tribal societies, retaliation ensured that others wouldn’t take advantage of someone repeatedly.
• Justice and Fairness – People have an innate sense of justice. When someone feels wronged, revenge serves as a way to "restore balance" and regain power.
• Emotional Regulation – Anger and resentment build up after being wronged, and revenge provides an outlet for these emotions.
• Social Reputation – In some cultures, retaliating against harm is seen as a way to maintain status and deter further disrespect.

2. The Neuroscience of Revenge

Brain imaging studies have shown that thinking about revenge activates the reward system in the brain, particularly the striatum and nucleus accumbens, which are associated with pleasure and satisfaction. This explains why plotting or carrying out revenge can feel temporarily rewarding. However, this pleasure is short-lived, and over time, revenge can lead to psychological distress.

3. How Revenge Affects Mental Health

Although revenge may provide immediate gratification, it can have negative long-term effects:

• Increased Stress and Anxiety – Holding onto grudges keeps the brain in a state of stress, leading to higher cortisol levels.
• Rumination and Obsession – Seeking revenge often leads to overthinking about the event, which keeps negative emotions alive and hinders healing.
• Bitterness and Emotional Drain – The pursuit of revenge can turn into a cycle of negativity, draining emotional energy.
• Impact on Relationships – A vengeful mindset can damage personal and professional relationships, leading to isolation.

4. The Paradox of Revenge: Does It Really Help?

Psychological studies show that people who take revenge often feel worse in the long run. Instead of closure, they experience continued anger and regret. This is because:

• The Cycle of Retaliation – Revenge often triggers counter-revenge, leading to an endless conflict.
• Unresolved Emotional Wounds – Revenge doesn’t heal the emotional pain caused by the initial wrongdoing.
• Cognitive Dissonance – If revenge conflicts with one's moral values, it can create inner guilt and distress.

5. Alternatives to Revenge: Psychological Coping Strategies

It's very tempting to take matters into your own hands when you feel wronged by someone or a situation that didn't go as desired. But that's a cycle that never ends when everyone else is trying to get a one-up to change the narrative. Conflict is a necessary evil, and this is why sometimes, some conflicts will never end. It's one of those things where you have to agree to disagree for peace of mind sometimes.

Instead of seeking revenge, healthier ways to deal with betrayal or harm include:

• Forgiveness (Not the Same as Forgetting) – Studies show that forgiveness reduces stress, improves well-being, and allows emotional closure. The more you hold a grudge, the memory of having been wronged will slowly consume you, eroding your happiness and tranquillity. There is no such thing as forgiving and forgetting. But forgiveness is possible when you consider that sometimes people will always remain as they are. Some habits are now a part of one's character. Don't you have some weaknesses you can't help but have? Wouldn't you want others to empathise with you and give you a break?

• Channeling Anger into Growth – Using the pain of betrayal as motivation for self-improvement can be more rewarding. Before you react, ask yourself why the situation bothers you so much. Is there anything you can do about it? If so, what measures are you going to take? If you want to continue down the road of conflict, are you ready for retaliation? If you can't handle retaliation, then perhaps it would be wiser to let some arguments slide. Not every fight is meant to be had or won. If you keep pursuing every avenue of conflict, you will never really be happy. You will be so preoccupied with settling scores that even the worst among you will develop a lasting impression of you. Anyone will use that to push your buttons because they know they can get your reactions. But what if there's little you can do? Say to yourself first, that there is little you can do. Say it as many times as possible to prevent you from going down a rabbit hole.

• Seeking Justice, Not Revenge – Justice through legal or social means provides a structured way to address wrongdoing. There is a difference between arguing and speaking your mind. If you're unhappy with someone or a situation, the secret is in your use of language. You can simply articulate your displeasure respectfully to set clear boundaries to avoid further conflict. In as much as people are within their rights to say and think whatever they want, you're also within your rights to attain respect and dignity. Having self-respect and dignity is much more important than how others respond to you.

• Practising Detachment – Sometimes, emotional distance from a harmful person or situation is the best revenge. If you can avoid being within their space, the better for you. But if physical proximity is unavoidable, then you have to change the way you think about it. That is a part of their character flaw, and you were born with flaws of your own. Practising detachment helps you refocus on more important things in your life, instead of settling scores. Because life is much more than seeking revenge.

The Cost of Revenge

While revenge can feel like an instinctive response to injustice, it rarely provides the satisfaction we expect. Instead, it often prolongs pain, fuels conflict, and damages mental well-being. Understanding the psychology behind revenge can help us choose healthier ways to cope with harm and focus on emotional healing rather than destruction.